I Hate Fatherhood

While there are plenty of times to talk about the joys of fatherhood, seeing your kids learn new things, watching them do by themselves what you only moments ago demonstrated, the sense of pride when they do well, there are downsides.

They reflect you back to yourself. I’m rubber, you’re glue, it bounces off of me and sticks onto you. I hate this.

I hate that my anger, my temper, my stupidly quick zero-to-60 frustration, my anger when someone calls me out for something I know I did wrong is absolutely seen in my girls.

We’re transitioning to a new schedule with O starting Kindergarten (and a requirement to be at school an hour earlier than her suggested pre-school start time), which means different order, at least 90 minutes earlier, on a faster pace to allow for the increased travel time. It isn’t easy.

In trying to get three little mouths brushed this morning, turning into the youngest refusing to follow any instruction, the middle annoying the oldest, and a dad who flipped out because of the total lack of control despite a ticking clock that offers no mercy to the ebbs and flows of life under five years old.

MC and T took it fine. I told them to get out of the bathroom until they decide they can listen. They did so, without hesitation or question. O broke down. A screaming fit in that high-pitched screechy yell that I’m sure drove all of the dogs in the neighborhood to insanity.

It took the rest of the allotted time, plus a bit more, to get O calm.

In the meantime, since it was the first day of pre-school for T, we took pictures outside. Since O needed the time to calm down, she came downstairs just as we were coming inside. “I’m sorry, but picture time is over.” A whole new melt down that V is dealing with in the car on the way to school now.

Not the ideal way to start the morning, not for T’s first day, nor one where I’m not going to see them until tomorrow morning due to Back to School night and the timing/staging to make that work with one car.

In these moments, I hate being a dad. I have my faults and I hate to see them in my kids at such a young age. Perhaps it is always painful to see, but at least at this age, it is difficult to lay blame anywhere besides at your own feet.

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